Posts Tagged: personal

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Everything is changing. Just a few days ago a cacophony of voices filled my heart and head. Today everything is quiet and still and peaceful. I’m not sure what the future looks like but right now feels good.

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Watching S01 E01 of The West Wing and having all the feels.

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I cannot stand talking to my mom about mental health and death, especially depression and suicide. The way we process things is so different. Even though we have similar ideas about things it just makes me skin crawl and I want nothing more than to be far, far away from her when these subjects come up. Parents, right?

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breakthruradiotv:

Do You Hide Your Spending Habits? - BTR Pulse [ep184]

This week on BTR Pulse, Sarah Fraser asks people whether or not they ever hide their spending habits. People share what purchases they hide the most and who they hide their spending from.

Featured song: “Looking For A Fight” by Bleached

Oh lawd. At :27 you can see ambersalerts talking and me giggling.

Source: blip.tv
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morning / mourning. August 3, 2014.

I didn’t set out to do a self portrait this morning. I was just curious, trying to take photos of myself from angles that I don’t usually see, angles that usually belong to lovers’ eyes only.

I fell in love with this image the moment I saw it. I love my curves, my stretch marks, my birthmark hiding in shadow. The texture of my sheets glowing in the sun.

The shadows cast by the leaves outside my window give the illusion of bruises scattered on my skin, matching the way I’ve felt inside lately, tossed around by my own desires and the people I’ve turned to to satisfy those desires. Bruised, but not broken.

I titled this “morning / mourning” at first because it just seemed to fit, but I’m realizing why. I’ve been grieving a lot of things - people gone from my life, situations that didn’t work out, dreams dying and changing, inertia making me feel stuck. And to me, mourning is about recognizing that grief - recognizing it, and moving on, to new stages of life.

I’ve decided to use this month to fall in love with myself again. To forgive myself. To push myself. To lose myself in pleasure. To take care of myself. To be the person I want to be - the person I need to be. August, I have a good feeling about you.

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Fairly certain I’m the most awkward when it comes to dating and sex.

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thetallblacknerd:

I find it comical when women think I care about

Stretchmarks
If one titty is slightly bigger than the other
Birthmarks
Fat areas
Bumps or discoloration
Cellulite
Sweat
Morning breath
Human flaws

If I have you naked in front of me and I am naked too, the only thing on my mind is where am I putting my mouth first

So when I first read this, my reaction was something along the lines of “amen,” because this is similar to my thoughts on the subject. Similar, but not the same. It took me a bit to figure out what was bugging me, but I think I have.

The thing is, I don’t find the insecurities of the people I’m sleeping with that funny. We live in a society that says loud and clear that to be sexy and/or sexual your body should look a certain way and do certain things and it makes people hate their bodies and that’s bullshit, and it’s pervasive. Having insecurities about our bodies is a pretty logical response to all that.

The other thing about the post is that even as it sounds a lot like body acceptance, it’s still got caveats. One of your breasts can be “slightly” bigger than the other. You can have “fat areas” - what if my whole body is the fat area? I don’t come with caveats. If I’m naked with you, I like you, all of you, including the unique details of your body, whatever they may be.

When having sex with someone there are many things I might find amusing - the weird squeaks of the bed, finding random ticklish spots, my long hair (from my head) getting literally everywhere. But to me, access to someone’s insecurities.. That’s a gift, not a joke. That’s intimacy.

If I’m naked with someone, I want to be there, and I want my lover to feel good. I try to tell them just how attractive they are, and much more than that, I show them. With lips and fingers and eyes, learning their body, I show them. And when they tell and show me too, it helps me put down some of the insecurities I carry around with me. Good sex is about so much more than that, but I think commitment to body love is so important (and sexy as hell).

(via hottest-in-the-office)

Source: thetallblacknerd
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Sometimes I fear that I am poison.

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I just want all the lacy underthings, is that too much to ask?

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There are so many things in my life and in the world that feel totally out of my control right now. I’m trying to relax and adapt, but it’s hard. Running, on the other hand, makes me feel in control, at least of myself. I feel strong and defiant. I feel good.

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"I’m not used to being wanted"

- 6 Word Poem  (via emoties)

(via youareadelight)

Source: incoloure
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This resonates so much with me, but lately I’ve been pushing myself constantly and my “comfort zone” has been shifting with that push. Which has been amazing. I’m feeling so much happier with my life and my self than I’ve been in a long time. I’m not sure if it will last. The solstice is coming up this weekend and a part of me is happy but another part is dreading it, because it means the days will start getting shorter again and I’m worried that with winter my depression will work its claws back into me. But for now - I am pushing myself, hard, to build healthier, happier relationships with other people and with myself (and especially my body). And I just hope I can survive whatever comes when things get hard again.

This resonates so much with me, but lately I’ve been pushing myself constantly and my “comfort zone” has been shifting with that push. Which has been amazing. I’m feeling so much happier with my life and my self than I’ve been in a long time. I’m not sure if it will last. The solstice is coming up this weekend and a part of me is happy but another part is dreading it, because it means the days will start getting shorter again and I’m worried that with winter my depression will work its claws back into me. But for now - I am pushing myself, hard, to build healthier, happier relationships with other people and with myself (and especially my body). And I just hope I can survive whatever comes when things get hard again.

(via femmefatty)

Source: penis-hunger-games
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At least my shitty day pushed me to reach my first distance goal. Over the next month I want to double this.

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It’s been a while since I wrote bad poetry about someone but I just went there. Fuck feelings that aren’t mutual. 

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I would get so much more done if I weren’t so committed to dancing in my chair while working.